just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
