I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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