Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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