I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
