I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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