just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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