I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
