I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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