Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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