I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
