His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
