I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
