He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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