my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
