I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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