benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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