I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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