she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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