Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
