i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
