I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
We just shotgunned beers for America
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
