So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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