if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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