Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
