i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
