Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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