mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
