guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.