I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?