This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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