remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
