If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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