i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
