I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
