i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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