I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
