3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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