This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
