Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
