I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
