omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
