I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
