Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
