im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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