So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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