I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
