the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
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I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
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my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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