i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
