I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
