haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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