hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
