and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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