and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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