Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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