Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
