found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
