don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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