That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Randomize
