I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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