I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
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our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
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Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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