There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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