so let's talk penis.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
