Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
