I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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