then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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