How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
