Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
