How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
